MOTHERING SUNDAY

Mothering Sunday, when we give thanks for Mother Church, seems like the right time to post this golden oldie.

I had been reading the Saturday Newspaper’s listing of Religious Institutions and their Service Times when I came across a church’s description of itself as: Independent, Fundamental, Pre-Millennial, and Missionary Minded. The song wrote itself.

The italicized words in square brackets are spoken. Enjoy.

THE BIBLE BELT

[This is the story of the hand Fate dealt

In a part of the Country called the Bible belt

On a hot summer day when I wanted a nice, cold beer

I didn’t know where the tavern was

But I saw a young lad and thought ‘I bet he does’

And said, “Excuse me, son, can you point the way from here?

I’m a weary pilgrim, feeling cursed,

I’m looking for a place to slay my thirst

I need a spirit or two to help me cool down

Now, he was carrying a Bible and I should have known better

But I thought I’d die in this hot weather, and he said,

“I know just the place for you in this town”]

“Well … there … is …

First Four-Squared Open Bible Seminary

Reformed, five-point Calvinistic, Missionary

Free-will, Christ-Centered, Independent, Fundamentalist

Primitive Baptist Church”

“And … they … have …

AWANA Youth Groups, hearing-aid audio loops

Wheel chair ramps, elevators, summer camps,

Greeters at the door, plus a whole bunch more at the

Primitive Baptist Church”

[I said, “Young man, young man, listen to me

Let me explain and I think you’ll see that

We have got a misunderstanding here

The ‘spirits’ I want are the earthly kind

Secular, worldly if you don’t mind

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge

Would you tell me, am I near?”

He said: “I’m sorry that I misunderstood

But I’ll direct you to that neighborhood

Where you will find the awful things you crave

I would never go to such a place

With their worldly ways and actions base

Yet I’ll point the way and hope the Lord will save”]

“Well … there … is …

Old Memorial, highly editorial,

Social, liberal, literary-critical

Open, caring, feelyweely-sharing

E-pis-co-pal Church”

“And … they … have …

Tai Chi, Tie-dye, Yoga where you learn to fly

Roll playing, politics, agitation, meditation

Feminism with a bang, Meetings up the Yin/Yang

E-pis-co-pal Church”

[I said, “Young man, my friend, it is getting late

And what we got here is failure to communicate

I don’t want religion … I want to be amused

I want a lounge, a Club, a place to go that’s

Air-Conditioned with a stage and show

Now please help me; I’m tired and I’m confused

He said: “Well now I know the thing you want

Like Hollywood – a fleshly haunt – where people go

Because they like the show

I’ll point you to the place, but I hope you see

It is a Den of Iniquity

But I’ll tell what it is you want to know”]

“Well … there … is …

Holy Roller, re-born, tongues of fire, faith-alone

Renewed, unglued, always in a prayin’ mood

Get saved; know your fate, Exorcism while-you-wait

Pentecostal Church”

“And … they … have …

Guitars and a big drum, cushioned pews for you bum

Light-shows, TV Station, Tongues with translation

Miracles, prophecies, get a vision when you please

Pentecostal Church”

[Well my head was sore and my throat was dry

I felt like I was about to die, and I said,

 “Look at me, and get this through your head

I’m looking for a place to have a beer

Now can you tell me if there’s one near

If you soon don’t help me we both might end up dead”

He said, “My oh my, what a fool I’ve been

Pointing to all these churches when

What you really wanted did not dawn on me

You’re not looking for a Reformed Bible Church

That is not the purpose of your search

For I do believe that you might be ‘R C’”]

Well … there … is …

Hail Mary Full of Grace, Holy water in your face

Sacred Heart Family, purgatory, pay the fee

Sacramental Church of Rome, Papalism in the home

Roman Catholic Church

And … they … have …

Confession, fasting, bingo everlasting

Incense, K of C, Holy Sea and rosary

Homilies to bore ya, Saints, Medjugoria

Roman Catholic Church

And there used to be a tavern …

Owned by a lapsed Methodist …

But it closed!!!

© 1994 Dale Petley (Petitcodiac, N. B.)